Me and the Universe

I am a born and raised Catholic and pretty proud of it.  I was baptized, went to catechism on Saturday’s when all the other kids were sleeping in or watching cartoons.  Then came the first communion and lastly or dare I say finally the confirmation!  Oh, then of course I put my children through all that as well!  Which meant I had to go to church while they were going because I couldn’t be a hypocrite, right? 

Then came the day, about four years after Youngest Kid made his confirmation when I was sitting by myself in church one beautiful Sunday morning and I had an epiphany!  I was still going to church all by myself out of habit.  Of course I didn’t walk out, but I did daringly not go the next Sunday, then the one after that and so on.  Until one day, the old catholic guilt set in and as I laid in bed I was actually arguing with myself whether I should get up and go.  So as I watched the clock tick closer to the D-minute where I wouldn’t be able to make mass, I declared aloud to Him.  

“I don’t have to go if I don’t want to!”  (no, no, lightening did not strike but I thought I heard a thunderstorm)

So now I am in charge of my own beliefs and free of guilt!  Yayyy right?  I still toy with the idea of going back to church even though I pray and have developed a guilt free relationship with Him on my own. 

Well cut to six years later and I am sitting in my apartment with my daughter’s dog, a glass of Merlot watching Under the Tuscan Sun with a box of tissue and some Chinese Food.  Wondering what the hell happened to my life!!  When my Besti FF calls and asks if I want to go to the Friday night melee that is downtown in the summer.  “But of course” I say in my worst french impression.

So here we are, Friday night, dressed up and the band is starting.  I am standing next to her and holding a beer, we are looking around and bobbing our heads while swaying back and forth to the music.  (yes it looked just as I described it.  I’m cool right?)  When I see him, the ex coming through the crowd with each arm around a girl.  OMGsh, heart squeezin’, can’t breathe, scream building, calm, calm. Wait, did he walk through a cloud of light?

When a person whose name I can’t remember (a little league acquaintance) steps in front of me and begins talking about relationships, blah, blah, blah. I am trying to look around her to see what he is doing and if he saw me, yep just like grade school on the playground.  When her voice comes back into focus and I say what???  Then she repeats it…

“What kind of man do you want?  Let’s throw it out there to the universe!”  Whaaaaa?

I said what any good and loyal catholic girl would say.  “You mean to God?  I already have, actually ever since the debacle that was my kids’ dad.”

No she says, make a list and throw it out there and ask for it!  You’re drunk I quip back.  Well, what do I have to lose!  So I do.

* I want him to be 6’2” to 6’4” (I’m 5’2”)

* I want him to have blue or green eyes

* I would love Brown hair, preferably a little long

* He is one or two years older than me

* Must be responsible

* Must have had a job for a long time

* Must be good with money

* Must be honest

* Must like kissing

* I want him to have a good heart

* He has to own his own house, so he has somewhere to go

* He has to be a traveler

* He has no kids or current ex’s in his life

* Bonus would be if he had a Harley

There it was!  My perfect guy, the One that I have been looking for while making my way through this thing called life.  The One that doesn’t exist.  Oh boo hoooooo!    


Two weeks later I am walking into a lobby of a bar/restaurant whilst out with friends.  A tad tipsy, I see this guy coming towards me so I stop him and ask if I can ask him a question because I just have to know.  He says sure and smiles.

*gulp*  I ask if I can kiss him.   So not like me!!  He says yes.  Yuuummmmoooo!!  I was right, just as I thought it would be.  The rest they say is history, we have been together ever since and the list thrown out to the universe?   Everything except the hair, well Sweet Significant had long brown but due to follicle challenges he began having, he is now bald.  Sexy, sexaaaay!

Since then I have had many discussions with people who are in need of something or someone and I let them boo hoo for a while then I tell them whether they pray or not, whether that have a religion or not, whether they have watched The Secret (I haven’t but Sweet wants everyone to) it doesn’t hurt to just ask and throw it out there.  The only thing to remember is to be true to your conviction.  Know what it is you are asking for because you might get it and if you do.  You better be ready.

So here is my next request to the Universe….  Question:  What do I want for my future?

Here it is Universe!  I will work hard to get it…

* A full time writing career as an author

* A fabulous go get ‘em agent that gets it and me

* A research assistant that enjoys traveling, giggles and laughs while we work

* A publishing company that brings with it a family and a team oriented working relationship

* My published books on shelves and in libraries,

* A part time career as a Travel Writer

* Earn just enough money to spend, play, pay my bills and save money for retirement without worry.

* Actually find my safe harbor to work and play there with family and friends.

* Bring back Book Mobiles with books of my newly formed writer friends

The last one reminds me of when I was little and I would wait by the sidewalk for the bookmobile like the other neighborhood kids waited for the ice cream truck.  *sigh*   good times~

So with that, it’s out there.  No need to finger cross, believe and throw yours out there.  Remember…    Conviction!

Have a great weekend my friends!

It isn't homework, right?

Since I have started this blog, the one thing that I haven’t been able to master is the freeblog.  I have become confident in my freewriting and have actually had fun with it.  Creative juices are flowing!!   Freeblogging has been quite a different story.  After talking with a good friend about my blog and whining about all my concerns. 

She simply said, “Your blogs are good, but it seems like your putting your homework assignments up for the teacher to grade.”   Ok so she said it with a smile, but ouch.  When I started this, I wanted to be a free and easy blogger.  Just like all the blogs I read before I started.  Alas, after reading them back.  I am not.  I guess it just takes time as with any other relationship, yes?

So I want to say to anyone reading this to have a safe and happy Labor Day weekend with your family and friends.  Please enjoy each and every minute of it!!  Talk with you soon and don’t drink and drive!

A valued amount of time

“Sometimes action takes a valued amount of time” is the advice I recently gave a young lady complaining about her man.  She said she didn’t want to hear what he could or would do.  A real woman values action and desires a man of action.   Pfffff… youth.

This provoked a thought or two in me, you see her man has been working on a new venture and has only been at it for a while.  Although not successful yet, he is doing well and moving forward, albeit slowly, nonetheless moving forward with heart and determination.  Now we all know that no one really knows what goes on in a relationship except the two in it and sometimes they don’t even know so I have no judgment.  I think all actions taken and time valued support during a lifetime results in a great life and when you look back, you smile or tear up.  Yes?

Bringing it back to me, I started my venture with less enthusiasm from friends and family then her man.  Support stories are everywhere.  From friends, in movies, within books and even through a beautiful song they can be found.  In my experience it doesn’t happen that way.  So I surge forward with this dream of mine and if I am lucky enough to do well then I will probably throw out a dimpled smile, pop a bottle of the bubbly and buy them all presents.   *sigh*

Where are you going with this Miss Ramble?  Awww…  Thanks for asking *smile*

I can’t say my Sweet significant was excited that my work contract ended and while searching for a job in this economy, I decide to begin a writing career from ground zero.  Nope. With very little enthusiasm he said “good luck with it Honey”.  Now it wasn’t the smile, hug, pat on the back with music playing in the background that I had imagined but it was what he could give me at the time. 

One day while we were at Costco buying his Droid (my current nemesis, will explain another time), I sauntered off to look at the laptops  (word is Santa’s bringing me one for Christmas).  What began as a quote to determine if I was comfortable with the keys and WordPad, a story erupted with each keystroke. Yep!  Right there in the store. By the time he found me thirty or so minutes later, the story had evolved.  When I saw Sweet coming, I killed off my main guy because I thought he was going to say let’s go and cried for the guy.  Sweet couldn’t believe it when I told him what I had done, then asked if he could read it to which my smiled reply was “of course”.  He loved it! He hugged me and told me how proud he was. Needless to say, I had to leave the story there on the demo laptop.  So he took pictures of each page with his new phone and I left it there.  I cried again.

So I am going to post it for all to read.  It is over a thousand words and is unedited so keep that in mind.  Please note the line when I saw Sweet coming to find me.  I abruptly killed the guy right after the paramedic was about to save him…. 

awwww  *tear*

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When time stands still….

When time stands still it can feel like a lifetime.  That is what happened when Ronnie skid sideways on his Harley until the bike finally released him into a world of pain, agony and disbelief.  The bike continued to skid and then toppled over the embankment and down the gully until it came to a stop and folded around the redwood tree a quarter the way down.  Ronnie’s friends all came running after stopping and getting off their bikes to see if he was ok.

“Good thing he had his vest on!” screamed Toni as she came sliding to his side on her knees.  “Look at his arms! She cried.

Ronnie lay there on the asphalt along the Avenue of the Giants and his head was telling him he was in pain but his body felt nothing.  He looked around to the chaotic scene and voices hovering over him.  Jackson was screaming into the phone for an ambulance.  Calm, cool, collected Jackson screaming at the top of his lungs, cursing at the recipient on the other end of the call.  He hadn’t taken his helmet off yet.  Weird.  He always removes his helmet as he is swinging his leg off the bike. It is his “manly” disembarking ritual.  Can’t wait to give him shit about this he thought.  Is he on his knees?  Something is wrong.

Oh there’s Toni. Beautiful Toni, why is she crying?  She is such a tough bitch, that’s why I fell in love with her.  What are you saying honey?  I can’t understand you, it’s all so fuzzy.  Did you say bleeding?  Something is wrong. Wow, look at all of you standing here.  Where are the bikes?  Did we stop for a beer?  What are we waiting for??  Let’s get that beer and then ride!!

“What did they say Jackson?”  Clyde asked as he finished giving everyone else in the club orders.  Clyde was the self imposed leader of the RoadRiders, when tragedy occurred he was the guy in charge.  Boxx and Kelly were directing traffic around the accident area.  Butch and Greg were down further telling the other bikers and vehicle traffic to slow down.  Bruce, Guy and Scott were moving all the bikes out of the middle of the road to make way for the emergency vehicles when they get here.

“They said five minutes, how is he?”

“He’s ok, aren’t you buddy”  Clyde looked over at Ronnie.  “Toni’s with him.  What the hell happened?  Who was behind him?”

“I think Bruce was behind him but you know Ronnie, he was probably showing off the new Softail.  What an ass, good thing Toni was on Marley’s bike.  Did someone get a look at it?”  Jackson was on the edge of tears but he wouldn’t cry.  The most emotion he was going to show was the lump forming in his throat.

‘Ya, I got a real good look at it.  It’s about a quarter of a mile down the gully wrapped around a redwood tree.”  Clyde started shaking his head.  “Damn kid!  What was he thinking?”

Bruce came back up to Clyde and updated him on all the bikes as Marley walked up and told him she was going to sit with Toni.

“It doesn’t look good does it?”  She asked.  Marley was a tough old bird and had been with Clyde for decades.  He had asked her to marry him time and time again, but she always replied been there done that, why change what we have?  Clyde loved her so and was worried about them getting up in age.  How could either of them be without the other?

“No my love it ain’t looking good Atal” he replied with his thick Texan accent.  ‘I hear them sirens a comin’ so get everyone back.  Hey Boxx ‘n Kel, tell them sum a bitches to slow down!”  the ‘mergency crew is comin!”

The paramedics jumped out of their truck and one ran to Ronnie lying there on the ground while the other opened up the back of the truck and grabbed the equipment then came running to his partner’s side.

Ronnie could now see two strange faces leaning over him and they were speaking but he couldn’t hear them.  What are they saying?  Hey there’s Marley trying to help Toni up.  What’s wrong with her, why can’t she stand.  Marley.  She had always been like a mom to him.  Thank you for introducing Toni to me.  I love her so much.  Sorry I argued with you about the ride today.  Thanks for making Toni ride with you, oh man you know me so well.

The paramedics began working on him right away, they were pulling injectibles out of their cases, ripping gauze packs with their teeth.  They were so intense and calling for back up on their shoulder mics.  Hey dude, get off my chest.  You’re too heavy?  Take your hands off my chest man!   Wait, I can’t feel anything.  He looks like he is pushing on me pretty hard but I can’t feel anything.  Something is wrong.

“Everyone is going to need to move back!” Paramedic one was screaming.  “The ambulance going to need to get in here.  This is a two lane road and we have no room to work on your friend.”  Just then the mini screen within the equipment case began to beep and the line went flat.

Ronnie was now looking down at the whole scene and the reality was now sinking in.  Is that me?  He could see them all around the body working and working, then one stood up and shook his head.  Did I die?  Am I dead?

“Noooooooo!!” Toni cried as she tried to fight Marley from holding her.  “Ronnie don’t leave me.  I love you, I love you!  Oh my god, pleeeeeese”  She broke free and ran to his side and grabbed Ronnie’s hand while on her knees rocking back and forth.  “Whyyyyy??!  I told you to be careful.  Don’t leave me honey, I need you!!!”

Ronnie was right next to her and his body.

“I am so sorry baby, I should have listened.  But your going to be ok, I can feel it and I’ll watch for you.  I promise, Ok Babe?”  Ronnie was standing over her talking to her.  “Please don’t cry, I’m not in any pain.  I actually feel better than I have in years.  Please be happy for me.  I wish you could feel what I am feeling right now.  Love, Peace and the most beautiful…  I can’t describe it to you.  I have to go now my love.

I love you….

My Safe Harbor

Ooookaaayyy..  so I haven’t been a very good blogger so far.  (I feel like I just called in sick to a new job.  Sheessh!)  But truly *eyelash flitter* my sweet significant had an appendicitis attack and on the quite excellent advice of moi, he called the advice nurse.  Which lead to a trip to urgent care to be checked out.  He said it was probably nothing so I stayed home with our new puppy. 

Anyhoo..  he called a while later and said they were keeping him overnight so I was to be at the hospital at 7 in the morning.  Yikes right?  No worries, he had excellent care and was home the same day as the surgery.  So I have been taking care of him since then and now I think we are on each other’s nerves.  He’s a terrible patient.  *Smile*

Soooo, back to me!  I am the person that just dives right into an idea and goes for it, and then tends to not follow through to completion.  My daughter likens it to the dog in the movie Up that distractedly yells “Squirrel”.  Hmmmm,  me thinks no bueno, but if I am being honest, I think it has to do with fear.  Plain and simple.

With that said, My post today is titled Safe Harbor because writing is what I have wanted to do since I was a little girl, so I am taking it slow as I will be a writer one day!  I have been taking writing classes, I also bought a few workbooks to help me out with getting my voice back.  It has been much harder than I thought it was going to be because what kind of person loses their voice?  Sadly, I found that I did and didn't know it. 

Getting it back has begun an adventure that I am both excited about and scared to death.  I have been forced to look at the people in my life, thoughts in my head, my surroundings and a few memories that I had once lived by and now turns out they were actually wrong.  I found a great workbook “The Freelance Writer’s Bible” written by David Trottier and one of the first exercises was to set the writer within me free by writing about an imaginary place that is completely serene where I would like to be. 

Freewriting….  It was so fun and amazing!  I wrote, wrote, wrote and felt free as I imagined this place. I heard the water, felt the breeze, smelled the flowers and let the atmosphere envelop me.  

huh?  Oh yaaaa..  (she says with glazed eyes)

So fearfully, I have decided to throw my safe harbor out to you all.  Remember this was a freewrite exercise and it’s not edited.  Please enjoy and if you make it to the end, leave a stylist a comment….

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My Safe Harbor~

The house is yellow with white shutters and a wrap around porch I call a veranda.  It sits on five acres of green grass loaded with green foliage, palm trees large and small. Oleanders surround the outer perimeter for privacy where a community of birds hang out and sing their songs of longing, love and freedom.  Planted yellow and white daisies, purple iris, multi colored impatiens sit in their chosen flowerbeds accentuating my mood whenever I walk outside.  The soft white sandy beach sits just twenty feet from my oversized front door and when I wake to the sound of the birds, the next sound I hear is the water rushing to flood the beach for as far as it can travel, then back into the deep blue as it should be.  Standing on the slatted wooden walkway that divides the wet grass from the pebbled sand and leads directly to the beach, I can turn in all directions and see beauty from every side for miles.  Forward I look at my house and see the teal painted Adirondack chairs cracking from wear and age that I love and the small beverage table separating them sitting under the living rooms plate glass window.  On the other side of the stairs that divide the porch are my terracotta, ceramic and wooden planters holding winding ivy, palm plants blowing in the breeze planted with love and the old oak rocker found at the flea market in town.  My outdoor dining table otherwise known as a picnic table sits on the green grass that engulfs the fruit trees and wraps around the house just past the three large palm trees born to this land before residing became a notion.  This is where I sit and write when not hosting friends for food, cocktails or a late night bottle of wine as we sit wrapped in summer blankets and laugh while reliving old memories told over and over.  I turn to my left and right to see the tall line of palm and thatch trees surrounded and entwined by unnamed living plant growth giving the most beautiful view for miles, I then turn completely around and look out onto the clear most beautiful blue green water which continuously takes my breath away.  I stand at the end of the walkway and lift my face to the warming sun and heavens letting the breeze caress my face and whip around strips of hair that have escaped my haphazard pony tail.  I turn back around to walk up to the house and my dogs excitedly run to greet me with happy devotion in their eyes.  This is where I am safe, where I work and where I love~