Friday, February 10, 2012

Fear Itself

“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”  FDR

Fear by definition is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.  What do I have to be fearful of?  Nothing it seems on the front cover, but open those pages and the story IS there.  No, no..  I don’t mean my writing.  I mean the fear of a past life and machine that comes back to rear it’s ugly head and look you straight in the eye with a resounding HA!!   

Just as with any movie, story or play that unfolds into the never ending adventure of what happened and what may happen, there are ups and downs.  Highs that are so high and lows that are so low, you thought they would never come back.  But those freakin’ lows always do. Fear is the ultimate key when those lows come back and even if you try hard to remember the good life you are creating, you don’t want to consider for a second that the past still directly affects the present.  My hope has always been that it will never affect the future; maybe somehow it will go away?  No, it only diminishes depending on how you handle it. 

I have been doing a lot of work on myself in the last couple of years and with a well timed epiphany last year and the love of my Sweet, I have been able to let quite a bit go.  It’s hard because I have recently found that my memories differ from others in my life and I have only now found the strength to talk out what I normally would have just been quiet about and just suffer in silence.  I am afraid of so many things in my life right now, but I also feel my strength returning.  It feels good, but doubt still lingers and the familiar fear is still lying under a thin crisp sheath, just below my heart. 

I have been so excited for my new grandbaby, but also a bit worried.  As with anything that happens when my children are concerned, the impending doom of the W machine and what havoc they may cause is always just waiting around the corner.  I thought as time passed that maybe they would just start to live their own life and leave me alone.  Now this maybe true, I don’t know but the signs are certainly there. I spoke with a very good friend of mine about this and asked her if she thought I was being silly for worrying that I might get blindsided again.  Should I not be so excited, will my heart get broken again?

My beautiful friend, who has been there since we were in junior high school said, “I know that you have been through a lot, but you are worth everything that the good people in your life think of you!”  The tears began to dry and I rubbed the snot from my nose.  A calmness took over and then she said “F%&k them!”  I love my friend… hahahahhaaa.  So I will stop the worrying and go on with my excitement and if it happens that my heart does break?  I have experience with the bandaids, oh and the nutritional value of a good Cabernet!

My life as it stands today is a far cry from the millennial heartbreak of the last twenty plus years.  I have learned in the last three years that a good life led is an individual endeavor to be completed by no one but you.  In my case, me.

Happy Birthday Son, I miss you and love you

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