Fear Itself

“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”  FDR

Fear by definition is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.  What do I have to be fearful of?  Nothing it seems on the front cover, but open those pages and the story IS there.  No, no..  I don’t mean my writing.  I mean the fear of a past life and machine that comes back to rear it’s ugly head and look you straight in the eye with a resounding HA!!   

Just as with any movie, story or play that unfolds into the never ending adventure of what happened and what may happen, there are ups and downs.  Highs that are so high and lows that are so low, you thought they would never come back.  But those freakin’ lows always do. Fear is the ultimate key when those lows come back and even if you try hard to remember the good life you are creating, you don’t want to consider for a second that the past still directly affects the present.  My hope has always been that it will never affect the future; maybe somehow it will go away?  No, it only diminishes depending on how you handle it. 

I have been doing a lot of work on myself in the last couple of years and with a well timed epiphany last year and the love of my Sweet, I have been able to let quite a bit go.  It’s hard because I have recently found that my memories differ from others in my life and I have only now found the strength to talk out what I normally would have just been quiet about and just suffer in silence.  I am afraid of so many things in my life right now, but I also feel my strength returning.  It feels good, but doubt still lingers and the familiar fear is still lying under a thin crisp sheath, just below my heart. 

I have been so excited for my new grandbaby, but also a bit worried.  As with anything that happens when my children are concerned, the impending doom of the W machine and what havoc they may cause is always just waiting around the corner.  I thought as time passed that maybe they would just start to live their own life and leave me alone.  Now this maybe true, I don’t know but the signs are certainly there. I spoke with a very good friend of mine about this and asked her if she thought I was being silly for worrying that I might get blindsided again.  Should I not be so excited, will my heart get broken again?

My beautiful friend, who has been there since we were in junior high school said, “I know that you have been through a lot, but you are worth everything that the good people in your life think of you!”  The tears began to dry and I rubbed the snot from my nose.  A calmness took over and then she said “F%&k them!”  I love my friend… hahahahhaaa.  So I will stop the worrying and go on with my excitement and if it happens that my heart does break?  I have experience with the bandaids, oh and the nutritional value of a good Cabernet!

My life as it stands today is a far cry from the millennial heartbreak of the last twenty plus years.  I have learned in the last three years that a good life led is an individual endeavor to be completed by no one but you.  In my case, me.

 

Happy Birthday Son, I miss you and love you

Happiest Place on Earth!!!

Well we just got back from Disney World and had a wonderful time!  Florida was amazing, we took so many pics and the room was fabulous!  Our flight left just after midnight, which means that since Sweet was working a different shift, I had to stay in the car while he worked so I loaded up my portable DVD player and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Such a great movie to pass time.  Sweet got off work and we headed for the airport. We flew to Florida with a stop in Houston and as you know we fly standby, so we were pretty lucky to have gotten on both planes. 

Anyhoo, we landed at Orlando International, went to get our rental car and my excitement was building to such a peak.  I have never been to Disneyland much less Disney World and I thought I would just explode right there in the rental car parking area.  Yep, blood and guts everywhere, did you get a visual?  We made our way to the OrangeLake Resort, (kudos to the GPS, What What) which is just outside of the Disney parks and a thirty minute or so ride from the airport. The resort was beautiful and huge.  It was such a shame that we couldn’t partake in all the activities they have available because we had a five day pass and intended on using it all five days!

As soon as we unpacked, we went to the store to get groceries and of course cocktail ingredients then made our way to the RiverIsland Grill for all you can eat ribs!  They were so good and Sweet was lovin’ the all you can eat part.  I tried to get a pic of the rib sauce on his face but only got a sticky hand in front of the lens so I gave up.  Ahhh, the memories….

Day 2 was Hollywood Studios which was hilarious because picture me sooooo excited about going and we were just about there.  Just passed the Disney park entry signs.  I look around as we are driving and noticed there were no other cars on the road as we drove.  I pictured another Nat’l Lampoon vacation story.  I would be at the front gates pounding and screaming open, open, open!!  But alas, it was due to a marathon, Whew!   So we parked and went in.  Amazing shows, tours, food, Rock n Roller coaster and Tower of Terror!  Finally the piece de resistance??  The last ever Fantasmic show that everyone wanted to see and we made it in!  It was so awesome.  I cried.

Day 3 was MAGIC KINGDOM!!!!  I could cry right now as I write!  Let me just say if you ever go to Disney, the only two words you need to know?  Fast Pass..  If you work it right, you can hit every ride in the park, from morning to night.  Which of course, we did.  Sweet with his itinerary skills made it happen.  Then night falls and the Electrical Parade, the Castle show and Fireworks was just.. just..  yep I cried.

Day 4 and 5 was Epcot, which at first I wasn’t too sure about because I had had so much fun at the other parks, but I must say I didn’t understand what Epcot was.  It stands for Experimental Prototype City of Tomorrow, which you must visit to understand.  That guy Walt, what a chaaraacta! The Future World area with the rides (Test track is a must) and the exhibits is fantastic!  However, the most fun was the World Showcase!  Eleven Countries authentically established with history, food, drink, buildings and shopping.  Loved it!!  A beer from each country was another must!  Oh Yes we did!  Hahaha

Finally Day 6 was The Animal Kingdom and when they created this park, in my opinion, they did a great job!  We did the safari, the express train and the Everest Roller coaster!  (so scary, but we did it three times and I screamed the whole time, each time)  We finished up the day taking pics of the tree of life and Sweet and I played the bongos in the Africa area, I started with one beat and kept the same beat, then Sweet just started playing his heart out, we just happened to time the end of “our song” with the same last tap to the bongo when applause erupted around us.  I look up and we have a crowd around us clapping and laughing.  So fun!

The flight home was fortunately an early flight so we weren’t exhausted for once!  We get home and picked up our pups (missed them so much), then we made our way home.  It is always so much fun to travel, but it is so good when you are home!  Thanks Sweet for another fantastic trip!! 

Luvs U!

Stalking Family and Feelin' Good!!

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel                            
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good!

~Michael Buble

So it is a New year and I AM feeling good! 

I have decided this year to try and find the branches of my tree and reconnect with the family I do know and maybe connect with those that I don’t.  I have written of it before when I posted It's a Dogs Life last year.  The thought that I don’t even know the family I grew up with anymore has weighed on me most of my adult life and continues even today.   My daughter is about to have her baby girl any day now so this is the year that I will stalk my family!

On New Years day, I was on my facebook page and as I was going through some posts on one of my friend’s pages, I noted that a post on her wall was made from a name I recognized.  Friends with my friend, was my cousin!  I didn’t know her married name (for shame) but she had included her maiden name, which I most certainly knew.  Excitedly, I went to her page and found that she had been married three years now, had a child and two stepchildren and had just graduated from college.  I suck, was the only phrase in my head.  So of course, what would the long lost cousin do?  I friend requested her.  She accepted almost immediately, and it was so nice to message back and forth to catch up.  (I know, we could have called, but this IS 2012! Who calls anymore?)

Next I looked through her friends as we chatted where I found her sisters and brothers, so of course I requested them and once they accepted, I was listing them as my family!  I was so excited!  The memories came flying back to me as I was looking through their pages!  I felt a little like a voyeur as I strolled through time with a click here and there. They all looked so great! So grown up, some married, some not and their children were all so beautiful.  All the holidays, birthdays and triumphs they had celebrated with their families and friends.  The day was growing melancholy as I looked at my very handsome cousin’s page that now lives on the east coast, with his wife and two children and I teared up a little at how his son looks just like my older son. 

I thought of the times we shared when we were young, like hiding up in the tree in my backyard and throwing oranges down on our siblings.  I thought about how we would give weekend shows to the parents, aunts and uncles with sheets tied around our necks or towels clipped by clothespins while singing Jeremiah was a Bullfrog holding stinky dog brushes as microphones. I thought of all the camping trips we took, our family would take up most of the campsite, just as the reunions that took up most of the parks.

That’s when I decided to hunt everyone down, so I grabbed some paper and had to actually draw a tree to list everyone down, and then I began the stalking. I found that I am quite good at it!  I spent all day doing this while Sweet worked on his bike and after about six hours (yep 6, wheeww!), I even searched for them on the Internet and got all their addresses and most phone numbers.  Yep, real life stalking… I was surprised at how much info I was able to pull up and then the idea blossomed into a full flower right there in my brain.  I was going to create my family tree on both sides and find out where everyone was and write about my journey! 

So I called my dad and told him what I was planning and he surprised me by telling me that he had a tree that one of my cousins had started some time ago and I could have a copy if I wanted to get started.  I guess he was supposed to but hadn’t done anything with it yet.  Actually not really surprised by that, but that’s a whole other story that will be written.  So here I go, on my new dawn, my new day and Thanks to Sweet my new life!

Goodbye 2011

Well I want to start by saying what a year!!!  Life has been crazy since I last posted in early December.  We have had holidays with family (some not so good, some fabioso), we have traveled and I am impatiently waiting for my baby granddaughter to come in February.

When last I posted, we were in Ohio and it was great to see Sweet’s family.  We went out to eat, went to a charity event at the local VFW in Parma.  That is where I met Frank and Jen DeLorenzo, the founders of Wags4Warriors.  Fantastic people that match veterans with trained service dogs to help those whose lives have been affected by their combat experience.  The dog’s help in calming the veteran and take away the stress and struggles faced on a daily basis now that they are home.  This is all done at no cost to the veteran, so the foundation needs donations of money, dog supplies, and dog food or just help in getting the word out to everyone!!

It’s an amazing foundation and I urge everyone to like them on facebook or go to their website for any support you can muster!  http://www.wags4warriors.org/

So anyhoo, another thing that I was able to experience for the first time in my life was flying down a toboggan chute!  Oh my goodness it was a blast!  I had to do it over and over even though we had 20 layers of clothing and it was freezing.  We were flyin’ down the chute screaming (well I was) and then collapsed into giggling messes (ok, me again) as the sled came to a stop.  Soo fun!

The rest of the week we did some shopping and had a nice family dinner on our last night in Ohio.  It was nice meeting some of Sweet’s extended family, they scooped me up into hugs and it felt familiar.  Far different from my own fam, but that’s another story.

We left Ohio and made our way to Wisconsin to spend time with Sweet’s mom and stayed at this really nice place called Glacier Canyon Lodge in the Wisconsin Dells.  It was a beautiful and among other amenities, had the largest indoor waterslides.  Although a couple of them were closed, there were some slides that were still open and we had sooo much fun!  I can’t believe this life I have now, one week flying down a toboggan chute and six days later, I’m flying down a waterslide!  Thank you God!!!

When we came home it was the usual, Christmas shopping for gifts and a tree.  Family and friends stopping by with Christmas cheer, a few fab parties, cozy family dinners, and happy birthdays.  It really was a great holiday season!  Now as New Years is approaching I can only hope for another fantastic year!  I appreciate all my blessings, my family, friends and the memories that are now in the books as 2011 is coming to a close. 

Best wishes to you and yours!

Happy New Year!!!

Blogging once again, but writing? Bleh...

Well, my last post was October 28th. October 28th! I can't believe how time flies when your having fun. Since my last post talking about my trip to Massachusetts we have been so busy.  As you know, Sweet took me to Massachusetts then after Halloween (great Halloween party) and our downtime, we hosted a Thanksgiving soiree with the fam, we then left for Korea for four days. It was a quick shopping trip and boy did we shop, it is a great way to give an economical Christmas.  During our flight we crossed the international dateline which was insane.  Sweet asked me if I noticed that we didn't see a sunset to which my sleepy reply was "huh?"  Sweet explained it was because we were chasing the sun.  Which truthfully, somewhere in the back of my mind where the marbles roll, I knew that but just waking to a smiley face wanting to share knowledge?  I listened and learned..  it was cute.

So we are now in Ohio visting his family and exploring the great state of Ohio. Next we are making our way to Wisconsin to visit more family and stay in the Dells for a few days.  Although fun, it has been exhausting and my writing has taken a beating.

Don't get me wrong, I love the traveling but I also miss the downtime. I miss my dogs (Oliver a Pom puppy and Lady a Pom adult (Oliver's aunt).  I miss sitting at my laptop table with my research all around, my glasses laying haphazardly on some books, my music playing in the background and the only noise is the story in my head talking to me faster than I can type.  Sometimes at night, the story creeps from the darkness taunting me, wanting me to follow it and when I don't or can't?  Stays there and begins stories that only come in the night.  Jumping from one story to the next making no sense.  You know the kind of dreams that people want to look up and tell you what it means as though they are palm readers with the remaining days of your life already layed out and only they know how it will play and can't wait to tell you. 

So I am beginning again and will write all the stories out of my head.  Although the dreams will probably stay until satiated as I can't get up in the middle of the night at someone else's house like I do at home.  My dream last night was located at my grandmother's old house only it wasn't in the city to which she lived at the end of her life.  It was actually in my old neighborhood where I lived until we divorced.  Weird, her house in place of my old one.  (ssssshhhhh, don't tell the dreamreaders)  Anyhoo, we were at some kind of party with many people swirling about.  Even Brad and Angelina were there but they retired to a makeshift muddy hottub (?) underneath my old oak shade tree where they were naked and facing each other laughing at an inside story.  So I left with my best girlfriend in her new car (?) with a little tan purse that held stuff like a Magic hat that holds a bunny.  We go into a big city which reminded me of Gotham and into a grunge like dance bar located in an industrial area.  We then come out laughing and get into her car to which I realize ...   no purse!  In a panic, I get out of the car and run back to the industrial area and begin asking everyone if they have seen it.  I am panicked about all the things I have lost and begin an inventory in my head as I hold back tears. 

I finally (after looking and looking completely panicked) look into an old style metal garbage can and right on top, underneath some brown and soggy gross lettuce is my purse, tan but dirty with some kind of melting whipped cream or ice cream on it.  I grab it up and begin to run back to my friends car (of course she waited in the middle of the freeway) got in the car and began cleaning the outside of the purse.  I finally look inside and my drivers license and library card is missing.  All the credit cards, cash, jewelry, etc..  is still there.  Although relieved, I now worry about having to pay $55 to replace the license.  Then I wake up.  The funny thing is at breakfast today while pouring my coffee, I still had the stress of the $55 until I realized it was a dream.  hahahaha?  So take that all you dream interpretaters, bring it!

I think all in all..  I didn't make the time to write because for a moment I was afraid of my writing which is what kept me from writing all these many years.  Not good enough, noone wants to read it, why would anyone read it..  blah blah blah..  If you are a seasoned or new writer, I can't imagine that it is any different for you.  I guess it is all in how you handle it.  I am diving right back in and will continue on with my goals.  Thanks for listening..

Have a Happy Holiday season and talk with you soon~